Movie Night: Twilight Saga
by AmarillosAmpharos
Summary: Heiji and Shinichi decide to watch the Twilight Saga for some Sunday entertainment. Warning! If you like Twilight, DON'T READ THIS FIC! Also totally OOC, and AU, just so you know.


**Authors Note**: Just so you know, if you're a fan of Twilight, I wouldn't recommend reading this fic. By reading this fic you've acknowledge that it contains material you may not agree with. So please keep the dreaded "TWILIGHT IS AWESOME YOU SUCK" reviews TO YOURSELF, please. Lets all show a little maturity here, this was just something I wrote on a whim, so please don't take it seriously, it's not worth it. Thanks again.

* * *

"No" came Kudo's firm reply as he saw the pile of twilight movies Heiji had procured for their Sunday movie night.

"What?" Heiji demanded, upset "but...I heard it was really good!" He protested vainly.

"Yeah? Which brainless moron told you that?" he wondered callously.

"...Ran" Heiji retorted and watched Kudo struggle to recover.

"I mean, well..." he stammered to retrace his previous insult but Heiji wasn't buying it.

"Don't think I'm not above blackmail Kudo" Heiji warned eying his resistant lover dangerously.

"You wouldn't dare" Kudo growled out.

"Try me" he offered with a smile that was far too devious for Kudo's liking.

Kudo sighed giving in, despite Heiji's outwardly friendly appearance, he was quite the devil when pushed too far. He looked at the DVD's pitifully, he'd already read all four books and wasn't impressed in the slightest. For a woman who claimed to be an English graduate, she had a problem with grammar. Even with his limited English, he at least knew what was proper and what was not. The movies couldn't be much better, considering the story line lacks anything resembling old-fashioned vampire lore.

He almost wished, despite his distaste for the movies, that Heiji had picked up the Anne Rice movies. He had adored the books, Rice had a provocative, sexy style of writing that left him pulled in. Despite her habit to be somewhat inconsistent with the characters back stories and the like, he still loved them. He resigned to his fate as he sat down on the couch with a bag of snacks, as he watched Heiji. He was bent over the DVD player, his ass in the air as he wiggled it about, making for a pleasant before movie show. Kudo smirked, he fancied smacking Heiji's backside, but the thought was lost when the show abruptly ended. Heiji flopped down next to Kudo as the movie rolled, and they cuddled together for a movie marathon.

* * *

Kudo had taken to staring blankly at the ceiling, the dialogs, the acting, the special affects, all of them terrible. He looked at Heiji who'd watched the movies in silence and glued himself to it for the most part.

"Oy, Hattori" Kudo said poking the top of his head after it was over.

"...That...was..." he trailed off in awe "TERRIBLE!" he jumped up startling Kudo as he jerked away.

"Wh-Wh...WHEN did vampires sparkle?" he demanded of Kudo who blinked at him blankly, he tried to warn him.

"And, and...THE HELL is up with Bella? She's about as bland as a two by four plank of wood yet every guy wants her tang!" he said in a rage.

"I tried to warn you" Kudo said trying not to look and sound as if he enjoyed saying that.

"Tried to warn me? You let me walk into that like a blind man to a cliff!" Heiji accused "I can NEVER un-see what I just saw!" he shook Kudo violently.

"She should have gone with Jacob" Kudo noted, "not only would he NOT try to kill her, but he seems to honestly be in love with her. Also he doesn't look like an alabaster statue"

Heiji snorted "Please, she should get with that Asian boy, he's normal and he wants her nookie more than any other human." Heiji retorted.

"Hattori, we barely see that little shit, you see him for all of 20 minutes, probably much less, during the first movie and afterward, it's like she forgets they existed" Kudo came back on him suddenly.

"Yeah, and what's up with the fucking paper cut? Like how much of a convenient plot tool was THAT?" Heiji ask in disgust "Oh lets make Bella bleed so that everyone can freak out over her sinfully delicious blood. The problem is their all blood starved! That's why Edward's all over her, she's probably got some rare blood type like AB negative or something. That's probably why he freaks out,  
their trying to go against their vampiric nature. To that mother nature is probably giving them the big F you."

Kudo laughed nodding his head in agreement, Heiji had several valid points. Despite the fact that they rarely engaged in "fiction" based movies, this was by far the worst.

"And dare I ask, why are they going to high school?" Heiji asked Kudo who shook his head, he found that rather out of place himself.

"I mean it's not as if they really need to attend, if they need to keep up with the world, it'd be easier to do that via the internet" Kudo offered thoughtfully and another thought struck him, "You know why didn't anyone catch on that they were different?" He wondered.

Heiji looked at him imploring him silently to further expand on his train of thought. He waited as Kudo gathered his words and resumed,

"If you look at them compared to anyone else, it's obvious on first sight their skin pigmentation is off. Nobody, no matter how pale they are, could be THAT pale. Even if they were a hermit, they would eventually get exposed to the sunlight, unless they were photosensitive. Yet Edward and his group aren't hulled up in some entirely dark room, they just don't come out when its sunny, not like they COULDN'T. Not to mention they mention that every so often these kids get yanked out of school. If any of them had any amount of insight, they'd see a pattern, sun's out: their outta school, cloudy: their in school. It's like no one's put the two and two together and come up with a conclusion that they may not be normal. Not even the school staff seems to really give a crap." Kudo pointed out annoyed at the fact the movie had so many obvious flaws, much like the books before it.

"Hm you have a really good point, I think even Ran and Kazuha would've caught on to something like that. If not, Sonoko definitely would, she'd probably be the one stalking Edward" Heiji laughed, Kudo snorted at that, and watched Heiji as he blinked another thought striking him.

"Is it me, or were the characters and cast just totally one dimensional?" Heiji asked looking at Kudo to see if he thought the same.

"It's not just you, everyone is exceptionally superficial, Edward seems to be confusing his blood lust for love and Bella doesn't seem to question it. She's with some hot stud and his personality flaws don't seem to matter. He watches her sleep! He breaks into her room and just watches her sleep at night, he's three steps away from being a psycho stalker. All he's missing is some threatening letters written in his blood, phone calls with heavy breathing and decapitating her cat or something. Yet his creepy and extremely bizzare behavior doesn't seem to phase her in the least." Kudo said distastefully, wrinkling his nose at the DVD's.

"She doesn't question all the mix signals he gives her, not to mention they don't show case exactly HOW they fall in love. It's like one minute their talking and the next minute she's so in love with him she can barely stand it anymore. Also what is up with her suicidal tendencies? Also, why isn't her dad protesting this shit? He just kinda disappears in the background, he doesn't flip out or even ask her about Edward at all. When she runs away, he doesn't even try to stop her, he just lets her go. He acts more like an uncaring boyfriend than her father" Heiji noted flatly and puffed as he stuffed the DVDs back in the rental bag.

It was beyond either of them how such books came to be so internationally popular, but there again it seemed that terrible writings often did.

"You read the books right?" Heiji asked curiously as Kudo nodded,

"Better or worse?" he inquired.

"Worse, at least in the movie you don't realize how terrible the grammar is" Kudo said waving his hand at the stack.

"Which version did you read?" Heiji asked as he flopped back to settled into the couch.

"Both, the English one was the one with the most grammatical mistakes and the use of odd words and phrase" Kudo added thoughtfully, Heiji lifted an eyebrow.

"Like?" Heiji asked quizzically.

"I'll get into that another day" Kudo assured Heiji who puffed irritably.

He sighed as he came down off his anger driven high. He folded his arms, "We wasted our movie night" he said disappointed beyond belief.

Kudo looked at him seeing the disappointment and moved closer to him and kissed his neck "We can salvage it yet" he purred into his ear causing his tan lover to flush. Heiji grinned after he got his bearings back, "I'd like that" he purred, as they retreated to a much more exclusive preview of good things to come.


End file.
